Back in 2004, as a 23 year old with little responsibility and a provocative attitude, I remember reading about an article written by Black Flag singer Henry Rollins in which he decried parents that commit suicide, alluding to it being a selfish act. In my naive, uniformed, and inexperienced self, I staunchly agreed with him, without giving it a second thought.
Fast forward to 2020 as a 38 year old with huge responsibility (as a parent of two young children, a partner to somebody I love, and a middle leader working in the field of education), with a much more rounded worldview (based on personal & others experiences of depression), I look back at my line of thought back then and cringe.
Now that I have experienced depression first hand, and have seen it manifest in people that I love, I feel that I have an understanding of it now, and can identify with it, on an informed level, unlike the younger me who had no fucking clue.
In my past I had often been party to Seasonal Affected Disorder, yet I didn't experience full depression until my younger brother, who was suffering from depression himself, took his own life. I spiralled into what is know as 'reactive depression', which isn't a form of inherent depression that many people face - it was in response to a traumatic experience. It's only now, over 3 years later that I have crawled out of the hole, and got to a stage where I am generally better, and I am able to recognise and manage it effectively when it does manifest itself again - the periods between the moments increase each time.
I honestly look back and think that if I hadn't had experienced it myself, I would still have no clue about how devastating it can be. No matter what I had read or heard from the mouths of others prior to suffering myself, it wasn't enough to make me understand what it is.
WIth that in mind, unless you have suffered yourself I don't know if this will help you understand, yet If I can try and describe it to you. It's like being submerged deep in an invisible seea of pressure that encapsulates your body and mind, and you can see out of the glass sides like a fish tank, yet those emotions and feelings outside of the tank don't have anyway of resonating or touching you. Things that were once pleasurable become another aspect of your life trapped outside your own bubble. The mental pain than manifests itself in the physical side, reducing you to being fully immersed in pain.
Since the death of my brother I have given two public speeches about depression. The first was at a Mental Health fundraiser in my local community, ran by some friends and acquaintences of my brother, and some of the people involved are also suffer themselves. I was asked to give a speech, which I was duly grateful for, as it is something I have been keen on doing, to help raise awareness. I prepped a few headline topics and soundbites, and when I stepped up on stage I felt like I was in a swirling vacuum inside my head, and then it just came pouring out - I was in my element, given the opportunity of a crowd that was interested, and after my speech I was given a standing ovation. Afterwards I was approached by almost every person in attendance, I was hugged, kissed, thanked, and praised for everything I said. I found the whole post-speech experience overwhelming - I had never felt so much gratitude in such a short space of time, and the only way I could deal with it was drinking an excessive amount of alcohol, which then led to me embarassing myself without offending other people. I was so happy I had finally done it though.
The second time was during my leavers speech in my last employment. I opened up for the first time to the whole of the staff body, and shared what had happened to my brother, and the impact it had on me. I told everyone how supportive the school management and my department had been during the whole process, I told them that actually coming to work was an oasis of calm away from the rest of my life, where everything else seemed to be falling apart as I tried my best to manage the impact it was having on myself and others. I even told my colleagues to always remember that students are people first and target grades second. Again, I received a standing ovation and many post-speech thank you messages for bringing mental health out into the open, and in a subsequent speech another colleague that was also leaving felt empowered to open up about their mental health experiences - an example about how being open in discussion about it can lead to others feeling like they can speak out.
I guess this blog is my third outpouring of emotion in relation to my experiences of mental health. In the long run, I hope to be able to give more public speeches and interviews regarding mental health, and now is a time where I feel that this can become more regular, as I am learning to control it more effectively. I'm definitely out of the worst of it, by a long way, perhaps 'over' it, yet still prone to an occasional trigger.
After the recent dreadful general election result for the people that need it most (Mental Health services have been drastically cut by The Conservative Party since 2010 and that had a big impact on the provision available to try and support my brother when he was facing crisis points), a close friend reached out. They informed me that they had been triggered by something I wrote, and shared with me part of their story about how they had been suffering, and had made an attempt themselves - again another example about how being open in discussion about it, can lead to others feeling like they can speak out & get support / comfort - we can only hope that this leads to a domino effect in society.
And this leads me back to being a parent. Just as I felt I was on the road to recovery, a close friend of mine (who had a history of mental health problems) took his own life, leaving behind his partner and young daughter. I think about my own experience of the demands of parenthood (the stresses of raising children, the loss of identity, and the insular nature of the nuclear family) and it makes me think that for some people, and somewhat bouncing off what Henry Rollins said, being a parent can actually make you more likely to take your own life, due to the increased pressure and demands on the self. This took me a step back in my recovery, and had a huge impact on my friendship community. However, given my previous experiences and the knowledge of the butterfly effect it has on people close to the sufferer, it shut down any negative spiralling thought process towards going back into full-time depression.
Overcoming depression hasn't been easy, and there was no magic bullet that put me out of my misery. However the following things did help play their part:
1 & 2) DDP Yoga - this had a dual impact of making me healthier on a physical and mental level. The physical aspects led to a relase of endorphines, which provided a welcome restbite from the pain. The mental aspects helped me get perspective on my greater sense of purpose as a father, and raising my children provided a welcome distraction from everything. Their needs usurped everything I had going on inside my head.
3) Running - this is the most boring sport in the world, and one the most difficult physical activities to get motivated for. It had similar benefits to the DDP Yoga, yet it got to a stage where I was too eager to improve my performace in each susequent run.
4) Support Networks - open channels of communication with family and friends were useful as tools to talk about my problems and build a wider perspective. Having people you can turn to in a time of crisis is essential. All the people in this line of communication bent over backwards to give me all the help and support I needed. Please open up to your friends and family if you are suffering.
5 & 6) Alcohol & Pharmaceutical Medication - Alcohol is a great short term anti-depressant, and it helped, yet heavy drinking over a long period of time did a greater deal of damage to my mental health and physical state. In hindsight, moderation should have sufficed. The trigger / turning point of my depression is when I decided to take medication prescribed for the doctor. The initial stages were ideal in helping me ease my worries, starting to feel happier, and consider moving towards the light at the end of the tunnel. In the latter stages I was becoming too dependant on them, it was making me more selfish in the pursuit of happiness, and it was incredibly diffcult to wean myself off them - the persistent headaches and head zaps were unbearable and it made Mark Renton's withrdrawal from heroin on Trainspotting seem like a walk in the park. Overall, they were heplful in the short term but not part of the solution.
Thankfully, we find ourselves at a turning point in society where mental health is becoming more recognised, discussed and is leading to more informed social policy - things can only get better.
So when I look back and think about my experiences and the way I was when I was younger, I feel that I am getting better as a person, yet the struggle towards greater happiness & a more enlightened world view is going to continue to evolve, and a great way for this to happen is to talk to each other and share experiences in hope of building further consensus and understanding along the way.
Please reach out to me if you would like to talk or request a media appearance.
